The windows of the hospital are shuttered,indicating it is closing time. People around me are speaking quietly in Japanese, which I have failed to learn after more than three years in Japan. I am waiting for one of the mauve and gray uniformed women behind the counter to call my some variation of name so I can pay for my physical therapy session and go.

"Going" will be by taxi. In the past, usually used taxis to get to work. Since the pain started, I have been using taxis a lot more often, which is just one of the ways the pain is costing me money.

I am terrified that the pain I feel when I stand and walk might cost me my mobility too. It has been enough to motivate me to make an effort to eat healthier. For the past week, I have eaten more fruits and vegetables and less processed food.

I know that it will probably take a lot more effort to become healthy. My best guess is that I weight more than 300 pounds. I have never made serious,longterm efforts to be healthier, but the thought of not being able to walk scares me enough to try to change my life, permanently. I am frightened by the loss of independence of not being able to walk... And the shame.

I am not ashamed of being fat. I like my body. But, my body is sending a very clear message that I am not taking good care of it. I would be ashamed if I did not try to make things better.



December 2016

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